Moments Together for Couples 8/15

by Dennis and Barbara Rainey

Matthew 7:3
And why do you look at the speck that is in your brother's eye, but do not notice the log that is in your own eye?

As important as it is to be able to lovingly confront your mate when you have a conflict, it's also important not to be judgmental. It's essential that you don't just see your spouse's flaws while ignoring your own. Here are some reality checks Barbara and I have found useful:

1. Check your motivation. Do you want to help or hurt by what you say? Will bringing this up lead to healing and oneness? Prayer is a good barometer of motivation. When you take your situation to God you can usually see your motivation for what it is.

2. Check your attitude. Loving confrontation says: "I care about you. I respect you and I want you to respect me. I want you to know how I feel, but I want to know how you feel, too." Don't hop on your bulldozer and run your partner down. Don't pull up in your dump truck and unload all your garbage. Approach your partner lovingly.

3. Check the circumstances. This includes timing, location and setting. The time for Barbara to confront me is not just as I walk in from a hard day's work. I need to confront her sometime when she isn't settling a squabble among the kids.

4. Check to see what other pressures may be present. Be sensitive to where your mate is coming from. What's the context of his or her life right now?

5. Be ready to take it as well as to dish it out. Sometimes confronting your mate can boomerang on you. Beware of what psychologists call "projecting"-seeing your own faults in others. You may start to give your spouse some "friendly advice" only to learn that the problem you are describing is actually your fault!

Prayer:

For the courage to confront and the love and self-awareness to keep such episodes as positive contributors to intimacy in your home.

Discuss: Think back to a confrontation that didn't go especially well. Can you determine whether more attention to one or more of the above suggestions may have made a more fruitful discussion?

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